


Only This, And Nothing More

by GreasyLocks



Category: Nirvana (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Bad Decisions, Drug Use, Escapism, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Krist is a clown, Kurt's heart is too big for his body, M/M, Malnutrition, More Hurt Than Comfort, Offbeat humour, Panic Attacks, Psychosis, Sarcasm, Starvation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, big yikes, but we knew that already, dave is a wholesome bean and you cant convince me otherwise, lots of poetry and book references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:21:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26926507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreasyLocks/pseuds/GreasyLocks
Summary: Kurt is in the midst of a battle with the raging tempest in and outside his mind.
Relationships: Kurt Cobain/Dave Grohl, Kurt Cobain/Krist Novoselic
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

The skies were gray and weeping. Kurt swayed in unison with the grass below the balcony. His stormy blue eyes were dull with distance. His fingers twirl an unlit cigarette and his teeth softly graze his bottom lip. His head tilted towards his wife but his eyes stayed put.

"Courtney?" 

"Hm?" Her eyebrows jump.

Kurt opened his mouth but closed it again. Pubescent awkwardness found it's way back into his body. It reminded him of being in 9th grade and getting picked to read out loud to the class. He wiped an invisible stain on his cheek and tried again.

"You um-"

There was a pregnant pause.

Courtney's eyes lazily bored into the side of Kurt's head.

"What is it?" He tried once more.

"You ever feel lonely? Even when you're around people?" He felt a swish in his stomach and his hands nearly crushed his pack of Marlboros.

Courtney snorted.

"Sounds like someone started their period." Kurt brushed off her words.

"I know it sounds weird, but-" He traced the wood grain on the railing with the butt of his cigarette. His foot swiveled as he tried to complete his train of thought. 

"I don't know, It's just how I've been feeling lately." Courtney let out an irritated sigh and silence shortly followed. She lit a joint and smoked without uttering a word. Kurt stood there until she went back into their bedroom. A soft, wavery breath passed through his lips. He decided to sleep at Krist's house tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt sat on a barstool next to the landline in the kitchen. he dialed a phone number and waited, kicking the legs of the stool with the heel of his foot and counting the floor tiles.

_"Hello?"_

"Oh! Hey, Krist."

_"What's up, Kurt?"_

"Um, I was just wondering if I could um.." Silence cut through his sentence. He tried once more.

"If I could...stay? At your place? Just for tonight?"

after a few quiet beats, Krist spoke.

_"Is everything okay, Kurt?"_

"Well...Um, Courtney and I had a bit of an..argument?"

_"Again?"_

Kurt swiveled a little on the stool before answering. he felt his face get hot.

"Yeah...But only this time she didn't screech at me. She didn't really..say anything, actually."

Kurt tried to swallow the lump in his throat while he waited for his friend's response.

_"Oh.."_

"Um..Yeah...I...I think I kinda preferred being yelled at-"

His voice wavered at the end of his sentence.

"This..Indifference is kind of eating me up inside."

Kurt bit his cheek as he felt his eyes start to pool. 

_"...I, um..you want me to pick you up or,'"_

"Yeah, that would be great."

_"See you later. Don't hurt yourself, okay?"_

"M'kay. bye."

Kurt hung up the phone and slipped out of the kitchen. He looked in on Courtney and Frances. He kissed their foreheads, grabbed his shoes, and silently made his way downstairs. after slowly turning the knob and opening the front door, he sat on the porch steps and waited.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Krist picks Kurt up and they bond a little. Krist starts to notice that his friend's marriage may not be what he says it is.

TW: Abuse

When Krist arrives, He gives Kurt a deep, reassuring hug. A quilt of sympathetic silence wrapped around the pair as they embraced. Kurt sighed into his tall friend's sweater.

"Hey, you."

Kurt gave a soft snort.

"didn't know beanstalks could talk."

After earning a playful punch on the arm, Kurt followed Krist to his car. And with that, they pulled out of the driveway and took off. The moon woefully glowed on the troubled passenger. Kurt flinched a bit as he tried to lean back in his seat. Krist noticed this in the corner of his eye, but to prevent himself from forgetting to turn on the next exit, he kept quiet and focused on the road. Well, relatively focused at best. That phonecall...Kurt sounded so upset. Krist was no stranger to his friend's sad voicemails, but this call was different. Kurt sounded like that awkward, shy, distressed kid he met by that library in Longview. 

_**Honk**_.

Krist swiftly rolled down the windows with an aggravated eye roll.

"Can you not fucking see my turning signal?"

Kurt cackled at his friend's exclaim.

" _Shit."_

"Yeah, people around here get bitchy when nightfall hits."

"Speaking of bitchy,"

He pauses and turns on the exit.

"What's up with you and Courtney fighting?"

"I, uh...I don't,"

Kurt held a distressed look for a prolonged amount of time. He picked at the holes in his jeans and bit his bottom lip.

"I don't really want to talk about it." 

"That's okay, I just...I'm worried about you."

Kurt was ghost quiet.

"You've _really_ quiet lately, more than you usually are. I really... _fuck_." Krist's voice slightly wavered.

"I need you to be okay." 

Silence rang throughout the vehicle for the rest of the ride. Kurt's heart was heavy with guilt. He hadn't meant for Krist to worry. He regrets telling him anything. if Courtney finds out he blabbed about their arguing-

"We're here."

"Huh? Oh,"

They unbuckled their seat belts and headed inside. Krist took off his jacket and threw it lazily on the couch. The house felt homey and familiar. Kurt took the time to remove and park his shoes by the door. He thumbed through some of the magazines on the coffee table of the spacious living room, cringing at the pages he was in. God, they looked and sounded _painfully_ edgy, but some pages had little slips of paper with song and band names on them. 

"X-ray spex? who are they?" 

Krist turned around with an "Oh, them?" following shortly after.

"they're a punk band with a female lead singer. You should check 'em out, I think you'll their stuff."

"Cool, cool."

"they also have a saxophone player, which is pretty kickass in my opinion."

Kurt slowly nodded his head and went back to snooping. After satisfying his curiosity, he absent-mindedly hummed a melody and flapped his crisscrossed legs. He slowly eased himself into the couch cushion and hissed when his sweater rubbed his back. He told himself to suck it up, he couldn't bear to worry Krist anymore that he already has. The whistle of the kettle snapped him out of his train of thought. Once the stove was turned off and the kettle was hushed, out came the taller one of the two friends, holding two steaming hot drinks.

"Hey, um, sorry about all that melodrama shit in the car. I care about you, ya know?"

"It's fine, man. Really."

"Will you take some hot cocoa as an apology?"

Kurt flashed a teasing leer at Krist.

"Perhaps."

Krist handed him his hot chocolate and Kurt held it with his sleeves, Irritating the injury on his back and scrunching his face in pain. Alarmed, Krist puts his and Kurt's cups on the coffee table and put all his attention on Kurt.

"Lemme see."

Kurt's face resembled that of a child getting caught jumping his parent's fence. 

"I can't help if you don't show me."

Krist felt like he was coaxing a cat out of a tree. What was Kurt hiding? They sat there on the couch, wordlessly pleading to each other.

Silence heavied the air.

Kurt hesitantly turned so that his back faced Krist. He carefully lifted the shirt and felt a chill grope his entire being. He came face-to-face with a _large,_ angry bruise on Kurt's lower back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and suggestions are always welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Krist is distraught and makes no effort to hide it.

Kurt could feel Krist glaring at his bruise. 

"This is what you really meant you told me you guys were fighting, huh?"

"Krist-"

"I've always had a bad feeling about her-"

"She was upset that day."

" _So fucking what?_ That doesn't give her the right to hit you!"

"But-"

"Kurt, _stop_. Just-"

Krist held a close-lipped snarl for a short moment. 

"You can't keep excusing this."

"But, I love her."

" _This_ ," Krist gestured to Kurt's back.

"That's not fucking love. That's abuse."

Kurt fell silent. An exasperated breath made its way out his mouth. Krist glanced at his friend's face. You'd've thought he aged 5 years. He looked so tired and miserable, like an old man watching himself waste away. Krist muttered a silent _"Damn it."_ Before holding his forehead. How did he not see this earlier? How did he let this happen? Tears gently tapped his lashes and caressed his cheeks as they made their way to his chin.

"Krist are you...you're crying?"

"No, my eyes are sweating."

"I'm sorry-"

"It's not because of you, dummy, it's just-"

Krist sniffed before continuing.

"The world is never fair to you and it...it _hurts_ to see you get fucked over."

Kurt put his head on Krist's lap, wincing before settling into the new position.

"You're my _best friend_ , Kurt. Don't forget that okay?" 

Kurt nodded into his taller friend's lap. They stayed like this for a moment. Krist gently petted Kurt's greasy hair, much like a mother did before tucking her child into bed. Kurt felt so loved, that he didn't know what to do. He hasn't gotten this much positive attention in a long time. A soft flush nipped at his ears.

"This is really nice."

Krist doesn't know why, but hearing Kurt say that dulled the aching in his heart. He looked down at Kurt and was met with this look that embodies the essence of a question mark. Krist then planted a big, fat, snotty kiss on Kurt's dimple. Kurt let a bright, genuine laugh, something Krist hasn't heard in ages. He's still _very_ concerned about Kurt and Courtney, he's sure that he's made that much clear. But he can't get answers if keeps pushing. The last thing he'd want to do is stress his friend out even further. So maybe, if just for tonight, he could Kurt a moment of peace.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt dreads facing Courtney after his visit has ended.

With Krist's help, Kurt sat up and put his head on his friend's shoulder. He smelled like pine, sweat, and cigarettes. It made him feel safe. The tension melted off his shoulders and Kurt swore he could breathe a little easier. He let out a broken yawn.

"Tired?"

_Yawn._

"Yeah."

Kurt nodded against Krist's shoulder and before long, he was softly snoring. He smelt soft traces of vinegar, perfume, rain, and baby powder.

_'An odd smell for an odd man.'_

He carefully inched down to lay on his back, careful not to wake Kurt. This wasn't how he imagined spending the night but that wasn't important. Kurt is safe and that's all that matters right now. But from what he saw earlier, the future is looking really bleak. The squeaky couch seemed to share the sentiment. Krist sighed and ran an idle hand through Kurt's greasy locks. He closed his eyes and prayed that his worries didn't follow him into the morning.

It was 10 am. The cars on the road were suspiciously sparse and the hum of the engine filled the space.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah."

"Cool, Cool."

Krist tapped the driving wheel while biting the inside of his cheek. The loud silence reminded Kurt of that moment with Courtney on the balcony. She's so unpredictable when she's angry. God, he was so scared. Kurt scratched and pulled at the hems of his sleeves, Krist noticed this in the corner of his eye. After stopping at a second traffic light, He spoke.

"You want me to go in with you?"

"You'd..you would do that?"

"Yeah, I'd hate to send you to the lion's den by yourself."

"I, um,"

Kurt rubs his lips together and tried again

"I could..really use the support."

The light turned green. Without looking away from the road, Krist held his friend's hand and rubbed reassuring circles above his knuckles.

"It's the least I could do."

Kurt's lips curled into a sad smile. He could Hear Courtney's monologue already. At least he's not alone this time. He hooked his pinkie under Krist's and turned his attention towards the window. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> And I like to double space the dialogue for stylistic purposes and sometimes for visible tension. they're kind of meant to imitate awkward beats of silence If that makes sense? Should I start naming chapters?
> 
> Sorry about that long break I took, I had finals. =v=


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Krist and Kurt enter the lion's den.

"You alright?"

"yeah, just-"

Kurt took a shaky breath.

"I need..gimmie a few minutes."

"Okay, Okay, take your time."

Krist carefully rubbed circles on his friend's back. Kurt stared at the glove compartment, biting his nails and bouncing his leg. He always gets like this when he's anxious. After 10 long minutes passed, Kurt spoke.

"Uh-"

"Are you-"

"yeah,"

"You feel better?"

"Mmhm,"

Krist took a long breath.

"Okay, um..lemme,"

Krist opened his car door and hopped out of the driver's seat. He speed-walked to the passenger's side.

"lemme help you out your seat,"

Kurt hugged Krist tightly as he was carefully lifted out of the seat. He tried to tell Krist that "It's fine," at the beginning of their ride over here, but Krist insisted. Kurt was snapped out of his thoughts by a sharp pain on the small of his back.

"Sorry, sorry,"

"You're fine."

Kurt continued to hold on to Krist after he was on his feet and Krist didn't protest. He gives Kurt a ghost kiss on the forehead and held his smaller friend close to his heart. The pair momentarily closed their eyes and air was perfumed with knowing. They stayed this way for a long while, having a beautiful and wordless conversation. They embraced each other as if one of them would cease to exist if the other let go.

"You sure you don't want to spend another night?"

"I'd love to but, um-"

Kurt wiped his nose and tried again.

"I have to face this before it,"

He did an expanding motion with his hands.

"Morphs into something worse."

The two pulled away from the hug and looked at each other. Krist held his smaller friend's hand to help him feel safer. And with that, they walked up the driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :3
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm grateful for each and every one of you.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all went as well as expected (a bit third person limited and Strongly leaning towards Krist's perspective).

The door opened abruptly.

"No paparazzi, you nosey cu-"

Kurt would've laughed if he wasn't so nervous. He rarely sees Courtney dumbfounded.

"Oh,"

Kurt gave an awkward..smile? It was more of an open-mouthed teeth clench. Krist tried his hardest not to glare at Courtney. She pianoed the door with her red fingernails a few times over.

"Well, um- come in," 

The trio shuffled inside and sat on the couches, occasionally glancing at each other. Something about the air really unnerves Krist, like the house is bracing itself for something. Even Kurt's cat was acting weird. It seemed like everything was wearily side-eyeing them, especially Courtney. The tense silence seemed to ring for hours. Kurt bounced his leg and fiddled with his hands while Courtney's leg slowly rose and fell, like the wings of a bored butterfly.

"So, Kurt," Courtney started.

"Hm?"

"You went to Krist's house? last night?"

"Y..yeah,"

"Why?"

"What you said on the balcony-"

Courtney snorted. Kurt swore he heard Krist mutter "Here we go."

"You're _still_ pissy about that?"

Kurt paused and furrowed his eyebrows for a moment.

"What do mean 'still'? it happened last night," Krist saw how Kurt was gradually getting more and more visibly upset. 

"So what?"

_"Are you serious?"_

" _God_ , grow up. You sure you don't need to share diapers with Frances?" 

"How the hell am I supposed to _'Communicate my feelings'_ if you call me a piss baby for it?"

"Maybe because you _are_? I don't have the patience to listen to your whining."

Kurt was stunned. 

"So, when _you_ breakdown and cry on my shoulder," Kurt started again. 

"It's okay, but when I do it, it's whining?"

Courtney, at least for a little while, shut up.

"I give..and give and _never_ get back...but you're mad at _me_?"

_Oh, Kurt._

"So, you're crying now? _Un-fucking-believable,_ "

Courtney started to walk up to Kurt.

"Kurt," 

Kurt turned his back toward her and continued to cry.

Courtney let out an irritated sigh and stormed upstairs.

But before she did, Courtney held a bruising grip on Kurt's arm and sloppily pushed him onto the dingy carpet. Deciding that he's had enough, Krist helped Kurt up and let him cry. He had snot, drool, and tears all over his shirt, but Krist could give any less of a fuck. He stayed wary of Kurt's arm as he stroked his hair and whispered reassurances in his ear.

That only seemed to make Kurt cry harder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit personal because I have a toxic mother who talks e x a c t l y like this. 
> 
> Anyways, Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt convinced Krist to leave him with Courtney. Krist is worried sick, so he calls Dave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will provide a little more insight into how Krist feels about all this.

_Shit,_

_shit,_

_shit,_

_shit,_

****

**_shit._ **

Krist was chain-smoking straight through his new pack of camels. He held a firm, clammy grip on his telephone.

The scratch of pebbles underneath his bouncing leg.

The constant change of wind direction.

The ringing of the wind chime.

Krist's house was as anxious as Kurt's house was tense. 

_"Hello?"_

"Dave,"

_"Oh! Hey Krist!"_

"I gotta talk to you for a minute,"

_"Mhm,"_

"It's about...It's Kurt, I'm worried about him,"

_"Oh..."_

There was a pregnant pause that was a few seconds too long. Krist was on his fifth cigarette.

"Yeah, um...he came over last night, said he needed to leave for a bit,"

Krist's voice croaked, but Dave didn't seem to notice.

_"They've been at each other's throats lately, haven't they?"_

"In...more ways than one,"

_"What do you mean?"_

"Um,"

Krist felt a gentle flame dance across his face.

"I found a HUGE ass bruise on his back."

The tone shifted. Dave must've noticed the waver in his bandmate's voice. 

_"Shit,"_

"Courtney's been beatin' on him and...I think-"

He tried to swallow the lump that choked him up.

"Fuck, sorry, I'm just...really worried about him."

_"No, don't be sorry, man."_

"And...and something's telling me it goes a little deeper than that, ya know?"

_"Oh, Krist..."_

"He's terrified of Courtney, even when he stood up for himself,"

_"Krist-"_

"A-And knowing how twisted that she-devil is-"

_"Krist,"_

Krist fell silent.

_"You're going to worry yourself into a fever."_

"I know, but...I just...I love him _so_ much, and..."

Instead of continuing, Krist broke down and cried. He yelled and sobbed and screamed at the top of his lungs, not caring if his neighbors could hear. There's only so much one man can take. This whole situation wore him down in the span of 3 _days_. Knowing Kurt's luck, It can only get worse from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Comments, kudos, and suggestions are always appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Afraid and hopeless, Kurt tries to process his feelings.

Kurt tried to silently ease his aching body on the mattress, careful not to wake his wife. He swallowed a groan as his sore back dipped into the bed.

The smell of cigarettes, cheap perfume, and anger kept him as tense as a newly changed guitar string. He stared at the sleeping Courtney. He reminisced about how much he used to love her smell.

Until he didn't.

He looked back at how happy they were at the beginning of their marriage.

Until they weren't.

How he adored her snarky remarks and sarcastic humor.

Until he didn't.

Playful debates turned into arguments.

Those arguments morphed into screaming matches, usually one-sided.

And then the hitting, the shoving, the pulling, and throwing started.

A familiar sadness bruised the inside of his chest.

Suddenly, he was that lost little boy watching his parents divorce. Tears hopped out of his eyes and raced down his flushed cheeks. He pushed his head further into his pillow to stop any possible sounds from escaping and waking Courtney.

He felt ashamed.

Embarrassed.

Empty.

But overall, he was _terrified._

Despite this depressing _mindfuck_ of a marriage he has with Courtney, he still loves her.

And that scared him. He's, at least for now, trapped in the lion's den.

His wounds, his sadness, and his fear kept him awake.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are always welcome!


End file.
